The wood

Anxiety plagued me all night. Like a fool, I peaked at Jane's list of prompts before going to bed. So tomorrow I'd have to write something on the topic, "the wood." Well, my last name is Wood. I could write something that makes a play on all the puns. I could write about the morning erection I usually get and make a big deal about being at my parents' house right now, trying to walk from my bedroom to the bathroom without my 78-year old folks noticing -- and they're nosy enough and I'm large enough that they'd notice. I'd love to write a sentimental piece about going on a hikes in the woods north of San Francisco. I think that was my favorite thing on weekends during the two years I lived in the city, but what does it say about a place when you're favorite thing means getting out of town?

No, instead I'll write about Rob Reiner, more specifically, the Meathead -- you know, "All in the Family," Archie Bunker, Edith, Gloria, and Michael Stivic. That's when I knew I was gay, when I'd get "wood" over the Meathead. Don't laugh, even if Rob Reiner's lost his hair, grown a huge beard, and gained about 150 pounds since the '70s. The Meathead was a hottie. So I'd get wood every Saturday night at 8:00 p.m. when our Republican family sat down to watch "All in the Family." Couldn't wait for Michael to appear and see how he'd stand up to Archie Bunker, exchange rounds of relentless insults. He had that long '70s hair, luscious lips, and I'll just bet he had a hairy chest, an exotic erotic quality this 10-year old little boy LOVED. My own father didn't have a hairy chest. He really didn't have a chest, period.

Mom and Dad usually went out with their Pittsburgh friends on Saturdays, preparing us three boys a dinner of hot dogs and baked beans. And don't forget the salad! Every dinner of my life, Mom had a tossed salad. Her ingredients (lettuce, tomator, onion, cucumber) and her dressing (vegetable oil, white vinegar, salt, pepper) never varied -- they still don't! Forty years later, I'm visiting them in South Carolina (they're still Republicans) and Mom's serving the same salad she served in 1971 when "All in the Family" first came on the air. After our dinner, they'd go out and we'd sit down to CBS-TV: "All in the Family," "Bridget Loves Bernie," "The Mary Tyler Moore Show," "The Bob Newhart Show." Then I'd go to bed and Gary and Jeff would watch "Love, American Style" on ABC-TV.

I remember the wood I'd get watching "All in the Family." And then I turned 13 and had my first orgasm -- "What the hell was that?" -- because no one told me what was going to happen. My dick was puking! My dick was exploding! But it all happened one night in bed thinking about the Meathead and turned over on my stomach. A few shifts of position and KABOOM. All because Michael and Gloria had gone on a vacation weekend to resurrect their hot sex lives. "We used to be such animals!" Gloria said. Thinking about the Meathead being an animal ... well, that sent me into orbit!

I felt a wet nose nudging at my shoulder, so I opened my eyes to the morning's light. Gosh, what a dream! I'd better wake up and take Chester for a walk. Wait until I tell Mike about my dream. He won't believe I had a childhood crush on the Meathead.