Crossing a line

Dagny Taggart wasn't used to sitting idle around her Manhattan pied a terre, listening to Fibber Magee and Molly, fornicating with John Galt while they looked out the window at Central Park, enduring John's 60-page rants on socialism. She wanted to build trains, forge empires, and tell laborers what to do. But no, the union had flexed its muscles against the writer gods. Miss Rand who had created them had paid their dues, so Dagny and John had to go along with the strike. They wandered around the apartment having sex on every piece of furniture since no one would eavesdrop on them until Miss Rand took up her pen again.


The Union of Literary Characters in Fictional Narratives (ULCIFIN) had been formed in response to Charles Dickens's flagrant cruelty toward his characters. David Copperfield (with Jean Valjean's help) took to the streets and marched in protest at the unlimited powers Mr. Dickens exerted over him; Charles Darney and Madame de Farge soon joined them. The movement started as little more than a Victorian nuisance within Dickens's stable of characters (few of whom had educations or influence) but reached fever pitch when whispers of collective bargaining reached the Jane Austen estate. Elinor Dashwood and Emma Woodhouse joined the movement. When they convinced Dorothea Brooke and Will Ladislaw, who were staying in George Eliot's London apartment for the summer, it was a done deal.


Fictional characters now had the power of collective bargaining. No more drama that hadn't been set up properly. No more ridiculous coincidences. No more information dumps in dialogue. The narrative had to show, not tell -- otherwise it was too hard on the characters. It had to pass the ULCIFIN's editorial review. The new editorial board, which consisted of revolving members from the best of British, French, German, Russian, and American novels (as usual, the Americans pushed their way in, but what could anyone do), turned down lots of first drafts from Eliot, Dickens, even Melville. It was widely rumored that Virginia Woolfe drowned herself because ULCIFIN had scuttled a sequel to Mrs. Dalloway.


The union had gone too far in the last 100 years, Dagny thought. Six months ago Prissy, Mammy, and Pork had complained to the board about how Margaret Mitchell treated slaves at post-war Tara. Prissy'd had enough when Scarlett slapped her for lying about birthin' babies. Mammy and Pork joined the fight when Scarlett asked them to pick cotton in the fields. With the help of Ashley Wilkes, it escalated into a full-scale strike. Scarlett O'Hara fumed while the fields of Tara stood idle.


Dagny decided to join forces with Scarlett, a character like her who'd fight for her rights against lazy supporting characters who wanted to sip mint juleps all day rather than work. Scarlett got Rhett Butler to join them. A good woman, Dagny thought, despite her "fiddle-dee-dees" and "I'll think about that tomorrows." Scarlett had common sense and could survive anything, even a melodramatic first novel.


Dagny, John, Scarlett, and Rhett walked up to the prestigious LAA (League of Autocratic Authors). They recognized many of their compatriots marching and holding signs -- "Fair Treatment for Supporting Characters Now" -- "Point of View Equality for All" -- "God Loves Villains Too" -- and saw friends such as Captain Ahab, Mrs. Danvers, Daisy Miller, Jay Gatsby (union president), even Hester Prynne with her big red A.


But cross the picket line they would. There was work to be done.