I wish

“Hi, Alex, I’ll take Things That’ll Never Happen for $200,” Aaron said.

The electronic blip revealed the answer, and Alex said, “This never happens when someone says, ‘I’ll call you tomorrow.’”

Aaron beat out his opponents, Herbie Blaunox and Matilda Golddigger, to the button. “What is a telephone call, Alex?”

“Correct! Next selection?”

“Passive-aggressive Dyslexics for $400,” Alex said, smiling. He was on a roll.

Alex recited the clue. “He slept with your best friend without telling you.”

Aaron groaned. “Who is my boyfriend, Alex?”

“It’s as if this game were made for you, Aaron.”

“Let’s move onto to Self-centered Adjectives for $600,” Aaron said.

“A compound adjective that describes a man who sits naked on your sofa after having a bowel movement.”

Aaron felt that queasy breath of air rise in his throat. “What is hyper-gross, Alex?”

“Correct again. Final question. The category is Things You Wish For for $800. And the answer is: What someone wants after his partner gambles away the joint savings on a Tenderloin hustler.”

Herbie Blaunox punched down on his button one-tenth of a second before Sonya did. “What are a fool-proof murder plot and an airtight alibi, Alex?”

“Yes, Herbie!” Alex said. “And you’ve now become our Jeopardy champion! But our Consolation Prize for Second Best goes to Aaron Aardvark!”

Aaron woke up and sat up in bed. .Oliver snored beside him. Why couldn’t he get that deviated septum fixed?