I nailed it

Jason took the sheets off the bed, threw them in the washer, then wiped down the sink and tossed the towel in with the sheets. He hopped in the shower and sang “Bad, Bad Leroy Brown,” beginning to end. What a day. He’d be extra special nice to Martha when she came home from the Waffle House. Maybe he’d even nail her. He could do it. He’d done it twice in one day before.

After showering and shaving, Jason styled his hair just like Mattie liked it – with the feathering, a great mullet he’d worked six months to get. He blew it dry and combed it just so, then put on a flower-printed silk shirt, bell bottoms, and his platforms. Yes, he’d surprise Mattie, a trip to the Juke Joint and doing some disco. She’d love it.

He heard the buzzer go off the washing machine, so he put the sheets in the dryer, then sat down in the den and watched “Laverne and Shirley.” Jason sighed, it was a repeat he’d already seen. Didn’t matter, he’d watch it anyway. And he watched the “Happy Days” repeat after that, too – then put the sheets on the bed. Mattie’d be surprised, he’d made the bed for once.

He’d nailed it. She’d never know, as if it’d never happened, and he was in the clear. No way would she suspect. Mattie got home a few minutes later.

“Hey, hon,” she said, “what’s up with you, all dolled up watching the Fonz? I’m beat. Had a fat trucker feel up my tits today and then got yelled at the boss for screwing up an egg order. I’m taking a shower and going right to bed.”

“Crap, I was going to take you to the Juke Joint,” Jason said. “Thought we could dance away the evening. You don’t have to work until three tomorrow afternoon –“

“These legs aren’t dancing, no way, like not at all,” she said, laughing from somewhere down deep. “I’m off to the shower …”

Just like Mattie, he said. Jason gets showered and dressed to go out, and she poops out on him. A few minutes later, though, Jason heard a little whimper from the bathroom. He ran through the bedroom into the bathroom.

“What the hell is this?” she screamed.

Mattie stood at the toilet, pointing inside. Damn, Jason thought. He’d forgotten to flush the condom down the toilet.