Security

"Don't pout, Bradley," my mother said at the kitchen table. "And be a man, for once! If you'd listen to me and do things just the way I say, everything would be fine and everyone would be happy. But no, you have to do things your own way and that's when things go wrong, Bradley!"

"But Trudy, I just wanted to make sure your drink was right before giving it to you!”

"Who ever heard of a bartender taking a sip from a customer's drink? That's silly, Bradley. Just do what I tell you and nothing else," she said.

Marcie and I looked at each other. She had that look in her eyes, "Is this real or just bad acting?" that she would get on our visits to Santa Barbara.

"Bradley, I'm going into the living room to watch Fox News. You come with me."

Sotto voce, I whispered to Marcie, "That's R.W. News to you and me."

From the other room, my mother said, "I heard that! You think I don't know what R.W. News stands for, Elliott? Well, I'm your mother and I will not be spoken to in this manner! You will have respect for me and my political choices if you expect me to have any kind of respect for those liberals you seem to love!"

There was no winning. "All right. Marcie and I are going for a walk."

We headed out the door, but just as it was about to close, Dad walked around the corner.

"Dad," I asked, knowing his answer but asking anyway, "why don't you come with us to view the ocean sunset?"

He was pouting again. I groaned. Didn't he realize just how pathetic it was? And here I was with my new wife, God knows what she was thinking -- "Is this what I have to look forward to? Will he be an outrageous bitch or a wimpy pouter?" Run for the hills, Marcie.

"No," Dad said, all 74 years of him whimpering, "I can't. Your mother doesn't want to be alone."

"Oh, for heaven's sake," I said, echoing my mother. "It's not as if she can run after you. She's 75 pounds overweight and has two artificial hips. Just let her sit in that Archie Bunker chair of hers and rant until she goes hoarse."

"Another time," Dad said and closed the door.

"That's unbelievable!" Marcie said. "He needs to grow a pair."

"If I ever become like one of my parents, take me out back and shoot me."

"Your father is so weak. Why doesn't he just stand up to that bitch? The way she was ranting, I wanted to push her fat ass off the balcony and watch her fall to the ground. In slow motion."

"He's just as bad as she is. They feed off each other. The only reason they’re still together after 52 years is that no one else would have them."