On my desk

“Prove the circumference of a circle is pi times its radius,” Mr. Everett assigned us on Tuesday afternoon. He certainly made Tenth Grade Algebra a lot of fun, even if he was a perfect square. Forget about squares, I told myself. I was bound and determined to solve this proof. I knew I could do it.

Mom and Dad had separated in February (unfortunately, it was only temporary) so it was just me at home. Mom, Heather the D.O.G., and me. Gary and Jeff had already gone off to college. And let’s not forget about my raging hormones, they were there, too. I hadn’t yet discovered I was gay. But I sure had realized that masturbating was a lot easier if I thought about David Groh from the TV show “Rhoda” rather than Valerie Harper or Mary Tyler Moore. David Groh gave me an instant orgasm. Valerie and Mary produced a limp you-know-what (ladies might be reading). But oh, how I loved Valerie and Mary. What gives, I asked myself, what gives?

I always did my homework at my little desk (and now I work remotely on that same desk, got to get a new one). I’d come home from school and do my homework, first thing – so I could watch “Happy Days,” “Laverne and Shirley,” or some other late ‘70s brain-drain television. Algebra always came last, not because I hated it but because it was easiest. Always do the hard stuff first, Mom had told me.

So forty-five minutes later, I finished the proof. I got it! And I knew I’d be the only person in class who did it. This was the nice part about being really smart. The hard part was being called names by other boys and girls. The nice part was in getting it right.

And then I looked at myself. I looked pretty sexy in my short-sleeved salmon-colored G.P.S.C. t-shirt (that’s Greater Pitt Swim Club). I was a swimmer so I had a sleek body. And the biceps had started filling in. So I sat at my desk and beat off, my stiff you-know-what under the desk along with my left hand. All the while I was thinking about David Groh and his hairy chest.