This isn't working

I made my morning list of my TODO action items. Few people knew I always mixed the personal stuff in with the work stuff. Hey, I've only got one life, after all -- both personal and professional stuff, you know. Just because it's nine in the morning doesn't mean the personal life gets completely turned off. And just because it's eight in the evening doesn't mean the work stuff gets turned off, either. Though it's much easier to try the latter than the former.

Google's a great company, but boy are the demands high. I had eight work items on my list for the day. Debug the calibration module. Test the bi-weekly build. Monitor the freakin' continuous builds. Go to the daily stand-up. Have lunch with Marcia (didn't want to do that but gotta). Refactor the load tester. Build a new front-end library. Fix the concurrency algorithm. If I added it all up, it'd take me 30 hours. But NO, it's gotta be today.

And my personal stuff. Lisa my girlfriend wants me to call her wood flooring guy and straighten out that mess. They don't take a woman seriously, she told me. She's right about that, those low-class pigs. Yeah, one more responsibility. And then there's my parents. Making a dermatology appointment. That red spot on my face has got to go. Going to the gym, need to work on my problem areas. Thank the Lord, Google has an on-site gym, not to mention the cafeterias. I barely have time even to beat off. Perhaps I can squeeze that in between nine and nine-oh-five tonight.

Okay, I've made my list. Now, let's get cracking. Oh, here comes Tom from Larchmont, New York. God, that accent, a cross between Mort Sahl and Joe Pesci, every time he opens his mouth, I feel like I'm descending into the bowels of the Bowery. Tom can't sit still for five minutes without commenting on something. Most of the time, not related to work, usually something about stocks, babes, or Star Trek. Every day, it's something new about Star Trek this, Star Trek that. After being together in the office for more than a year he still hasn't figured ou that every time he starts talking, I grab my headphones and my iPod and I listen to the loudest heavy metal playlist I can find. I HATE heavy metal.

Today I snap. For the first time. I'm in the middle of fixing the concurrency algorithm. Peace and quiet for six minutes, a personal record for Tom. We don't make it to seven.

He tapes me on the shoulder and I jump out of my skin. "Robert, guess who's starring in 'Star Trek: the Endless Franchise?' It's Patrick Stewart's comeback!"

The furnace boils over. "Who the hell cares about fucking Star Trek? Can't you shut up for five fucking minutes? Just let me fucking work, you moron! This is fucking totally not working for me!"

I was fired later that afternoon.